Cameron, thank you for sharing this. I think people are scared of the unknown, and they can’t fathom that relentlessly difficult things can happen to someone again and again and again. So instead of acceptance, kindness, open-mindedness, community — all of which is part of your third space idea, and your spiritual practice — they fall back on the ideas that fit easily into capitalist society; the nuclear family, the idea that to lose a job is not something to sympathize with, that punishment MUST be a part of faith. It makes people feel more in control, I guess. (Please know that I say this without any judgment of your family, just observations about my own that you might have in common.) When those capitalist ideas are questioned and challenged, I’ve noticed that people tend to resort to cruelty, violence, saying things they hopefully don’t mean (that they should be held accountable for nonetheless), and punishing others as a way to right some wrong, as if “right and wrong” isn’t the most inaccurate and imprecise way of looking at the world. Anyway, I am rambling, but I just want you to know that I am so moved by the love that’s here throughout this piece, and I hope that it will prevail somehow, even if the trust has shattered.
Ah, Nikkitha, thank you so much for this reflection. At some point, I am going to have to write about what a gift Ghost Chilli was to me throughout my latest surgery, precisely because it dealt with these themes of the love we accept (and don’t accept) from and give (and don’t give) our family members, friends, selves, in spite and because of all of our mistakes and petty cruelties and entrenched desires.
I wish so many people in the world weren't so shitty--as if life isn't hard enough. But if it's any help, I found once I really gave up hope that my parents would change, things got easier. That sounds like it would be particularly hard with your mom, because she does show that will to connect, but the oscillation between kindness and cruelty can be harder to deal with than steady meanness. You're always longing for the good interaction and extra hurt when they fail you. Maybe if you could practice some strategic cynicism, you could accept gifts you can use and better ignore the cruelty?
I always so appreciate your writing and what you share with us, Cameron. My husband was raised in a very similar atmosphere, he was homeschooled and suffered some severe abuse resulting in PTSD that he still deals with daily. So much of what you related reminds me of my husband's ongoing struggle to balance a healthy relationship with his family and siblings. His family is also highly educated, very literate and very dedicated to science and medicine. His father is a pediatrician and psychiatrist with multiple doctorates, yet for all this, they are absolutely intolerant to any beliefs outside of conservative evangelical Christianity. The disconnect never ceases to boggle my mind.
Oh, wow, thank you so much for commenting and sharing—it definitely resonates and makes me feel less alone. I was talking to a friend the other day who was so confused about how my parents could be this way “when they believe in science” and have money and all that, and the best I could come up with was the phrase cognitive dissonance, which is tossed around so much for so much. And I’ve tried hard this year to find narratives and memoirs written by others coming from evangelical homes, but those never really track with my experience, bc most of them privilege this narrative of “well, my family was abusive and brutal but they didn’t know any better and their lives were really hard.” My parents’ lives were decidedly not hard, at least not like they, and they all very much participated in higher education, medicine, the arts, etc. And still this suspicion of anything beyond these narrow ideas about what a life of the mind, spiritual or intellectual, could be for. Coupled with a true disgust for women and their bodies. but like … they have the means, in every sense of the word, to know and do and be better. Idk. It all gets blamed on “belief” but i have a pretty strong belief system these days and I’m still cautious of subjecting others to it?? Thank you! I appreciate you 🙏
You are very much not alone, Cameron! My husband's family has lived all over the world from India to London to Singapore and have been so many places I can only ever dream about visiting, yet their disdain and loathing for other cultures and religions is open and unabashed. Despite all their education and travels, they believe most of the world is damned to hell. My husband always says that his parents absolutely do know better, they have the means and the education, just not the heart. His parents loathing for women and continual criticisms of me have been a thorn in both of our sides for the fifteen years we've been together. 😵💫
Have you ever listened to the podcast, Kitchen Table Cult? Eve, one of the hosts, is a friend of mine and although there are plenty of "they didn't know better types," there are also a lot of very highly educated conservative evangelicals who do know better.
Thank you for the podcast recommendation, I can’t wait to listen. And thank you again for sharing all of this with me—so sorry you’ve been caught up in the vitriol of your in-laws in this way. I think you’re pretty amazing!
....oof! This hit hard Cameron. Thank you for always sharing so intimately, so intensely. Having a cold and sometimes cruel Mother, I can appreciate your longing.
Loved the golden haired Theo gathering his golden flowers.
I was raised evangelical fundamentalist. I was homeschooled K-12. I was parentified. I was medically neglected and have health issues from not going to see a doctor for years. My parents were deeply depressed after my brother passed and we were extremely isolated.
I was briefly low contact and considered estrangement. My parents’ beliefs are certainly hurtful to me, even still today. I remember learning that my mom had posted about my marriage on a homeschool mom forum and all the women chimed in to talk about how it was going to fail, how I was a bad example to my siblings, and so on. (Almost 10 years later and 2 babies… the marriage is fine.)
I got over it, ultimately. I have experienced enough hurt to understand how it warps people’s souls in the most horrific ways. I’ve experienced enough hurt to have seen how my own soul warps, even in relationship to my own children. I do not want to be responsible for warping anyone’s soul. I know my parents love me. Can they express it in a way that I can access or feel? Not always.
Cameron, thank you for sharing this. I think people are scared of the unknown, and they can’t fathom that relentlessly difficult things can happen to someone again and again and again. So instead of acceptance, kindness, open-mindedness, community — all of which is part of your third space idea, and your spiritual practice — they fall back on the ideas that fit easily into capitalist society; the nuclear family, the idea that to lose a job is not something to sympathize with, that punishment MUST be a part of faith. It makes people feel more in control, I guess. (Please know that I say this without any judgment of your family, just observations about my own that you might have in common.) When those capitalist ideas are questioned and challenged, I’ve noticed that people tend to resort to cruelty, violence, saying things they hopefully don’t mean (that they should be held accountable for nonetheless), and punishing others as a way to right some wrong, as if “right and wrong” isn’t the most inaccurate and imprecise way of looking at the world. Anyway, I am rambling, but I just want you to know that I am so moved by the love that’s here throughout this piece, and I hope that it will prevail somehow, even if the trust has shattered.
Ah, Nikkitha, thank you so much for this reflection. At some point, I am going to have to write about what a gift Ghost Chilli was to me throughout my latest surgery, precisely because it dealt with these themes of the love we accept (and don’t accept) from and give (and don’t give) our family members, friends, selves, in spite and because of all of our mistakes and petty cruelties and entrenched desires.
I wish so many people in the world weren't so shitty--as if life isn't hard enough. But if it's any help, I found once I really gave up hope that my parents would change, things got easier. That sounds like it would be particularly hard with your mom, because she does show that will to connect, but the oscillation between kindness and cruelty can be harder to deal with than steady meanness. You're always longing for the good interaction and extra hurt when they fail you. Maybe if you could practice some strategic cynicism, you could accept gifts you can use and better ignore the cruelty?
Thank you! Yes, strategic cynicism absolutely.
I always so appreciate your writing and what you share with us, Cameron. My husband was raised in a very similar atmosphere, he was homeschooled and suffered some severe abuse resulting in PTSD that he still deals with daily. So much of what you related reminds me of my husband's ongoing struggle to balance a healthy relationship with his family and siblings. His family is also highly educated, very literate and very dedicated to science and medicine. His father is a pediatrician and psychiatrist with multiple doctorates, yet for all this, they are absolutely intolerant to any beliefs outside of conservative evangelical Christianity. The disconnect never ceases to boggle my mind.
Oh, wow, thank you so much for commenting and sharing—it definitely resonates and makes me feel less alone. I was talking to a friend the other day who was so confused about how my parents could be this way “when they believe in science” and have money and all that, and the best I could come up with was the phrase cognitive dissonance, which is tossed around so much for so much. And I’ve tried hard this year to find narratives and memoirs written by others coming from evangelical homes, but those never really track with my experience, bc most of them privilege this narrative of “well, my family was abusive and brutal but they didn’t know any better and their lives were really hard.” My parents’ lives were decidedly not hard, at least not like they, and they all very much participated in higher education, medicine, the arts, etc. And still this suspicion of anything beyond these narrow ideas about what a life of the mind, spiritual or intellectual, could be for. Coupled with a true disgust for women and their bodies. but like … they have the means, in every sense of the word, to know and do and be better. Idk. It all gets blamed on “belief” but i have a pretty strong belief system these days and I’m still cautious of subjecting others to it?? Thank you! I appreciate you 🙏
You are very much not alone, Cameron! My husband's family has lived all over the world from India to London to Singapore and have been so many places I can only ever dream about visiting, yet their disdain and loathing for other cultures and religions is open and unabashed. Despite all their education and travels, they believe most of the world is damned to hell. My husband always says that his parents absolutely do know better, they have the means and the education, just not the heart. His parents loathing for women and continual criticisms of me have been a thorn in both of our sides for the fifteen years we've been together. 😵💫
Have you ever listened to the podcast, Kitchen Table Cult? Eve, one of the hosts, is a friend of mine and although there are plenty of "they didn't know better types," there are also a lot of very highly educated conservative evangelicals who do know better.
Thank you for the podcast recommendation, I can’t wait to listen. And thank you again for sharing all of this with me—so sorry you’ve been caught up in the vitriol of your in-laws in this way. I think you’re pretty amazing!
you might like Sophie Lewis’s work on nuclear family abolition!
Hits home. 💜
🖤🖤🖤🖤
"I’m not sure I can trust my own desire."
....oof! This hit hard Cameron. Thank you for always sharing so intimately, so intensely. Having a cold and sometimes cruel Mother, I can appreciate your longing.
Loved the golden haired Theo gathering his golden flowers.
Thank you so much for reading and sharing!!
I was raised evangelical fundamentalist. I was homeschooled K-12. I was parentified. I was medically neglected and have health issues from not going to see a doctor for years. My parents were deeply depressed after my brother passed and we were extremely isolated.
I was briefly low contact and considered estrangement. My parents’ beliefs are certainly hurtful to me, even still today. I remember learning that my mom had posted about my marriage on a homeschool mom forum and all the women chimed in to talk about how it was going to fail, how I was a bad example to my siblings, and so on. (Almost 10 years later and 2 babies… the marriage is fine.)
I got over it, ultimately. I have experienced enough hurt to understand how it warps people’s souls in the most horrific ways. I’ve experienced enough hurt to have seen how my own soul warps, even in relationship to my own children. I do not want to be responsible for warping anyone’s soul. I know my parents love me. Can they express it in a way that I can access or feel? Not always.
But love is love is love. I trust the love.
Good luck.